Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
The moment Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, any of the hot Jessica’s starts unbuttoning her blouse.
After wrecking your boss’s car.
One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game.
When she is using her teeth.
Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if it’s friggin’ warm.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.
On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.
Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.
Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
Yeah, Baby, Push it!
C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
Another set and we can hit the showers!
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have buck wild, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was (this discussion is, of course, optional).
It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.
There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.
We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
“GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”
“BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next!”
__________________ Always outnumbered, never outgunned.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
Given most of my friends are as much or more into guns than I am, if I'm having to bail them out it might be fiscally impossible for me to bail them out.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if it’s friggin’ warm.
What about bitching about them having beer but no rum or vodka?
11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.
Where do Long Islands and Screwdrivers fall.
12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
What about shooting them in the nuts? I've got a bad, subconscious habit of instead of '2 to the chest, 1 to the head' of doing '2 to the chest, 1 to the crotch'.
__________________
Everyone is finally equal. No one is smarter than anyone else. No one is stronger than anyone else. No one is better. Everyone is worse.
Long Islands and Screwdrivers are not fruity alcoholic drinks. I always thought fruity drinks are drinks that have so much extra stuff in them that mask the taste of alcohol and make them really sweet, and then they put an umbrella on it. Long Islands put hair on your chest. Completely different story.
I can keep probably 80% of my shots within the 8 ring at 15yds and 97% within the 7 ring. What's uncanny is my ability to make a big ragged hole of the area between the cheekbone and jawbone on the head of a silhouette at the same 15yds. Last time I went I made a smiley face of bullet holes. Though I think that was very lucky.
__________________
Everyone is finally equal. No one is smarter than anyone else. No one is stronger than anyone else. No one is better. Everyone is worse.
OK GZ, last time I took it as a joke, but the next time you change one of my perfectly PC posts and change it, I'm going to have to ask that they take your admin powers away. I'm serious.
I know you're stalk'n me GZ, but keep it on the down low man. For some reason little Japanese guys always follow me around. I had like a group of them following me around in Japan and in Hawaii too.
__________________ Always outnumbered, never outgunned.
OK GZ, last time I took it as a joke, but the next time you change one of my perfectly PC posts and change it, I'm going to have to ask that they take your admin powers away. I'm serious.
I know you're stalk'n me GZ, but keep it on the down low man. For some reason little Japanese guys always follow me around. I had like a group of them following me around in Japan and in Hawaii too.
Everyone always says to use your powers for good, but that's no fun!
__________________
Everyone is finally equal. No one is smarter than anyone else. No one is stronger than anyone else. No one is better. Everyone is worse.
Something everyone of you "should" know... except you Neft!
We can maybe add an amendment to this one.
Though I think that was very lucky.
