The problem with the world is dumb people. I'm not advocating capital punishment for dumb people. I'm just suggesting we remove all the warning labels and let the problem solve itself.
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage'book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?". Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm. "
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and
next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice
bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The
cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The
cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way,
that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring
the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year
tell Santa to put the d*ck underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion
tamer." The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no
lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring
and biting, what you gonna do?"
"I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face
until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them
big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"I'll take that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he
backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in
two? What you gonna do then?"
"I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"I'll pick up some of the poopie that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw
it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no poopie in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna
do then?"
"You ain't thinkin' none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he
throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun
don't work, there's going to be some poopie on the bottom of that cage. You
can bet on that!"
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
| G35 Coupe | 5at | Obsidian Black | Graphite | Premium | Performance | Pictures |
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic- sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them", the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," "Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here ... and you could have."
A girl came skipping home from school one day. " Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10 See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could
only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
" Very good," said her mother. "
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
" Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other
girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to
reveal a pair of 36Cs.
<font size="3"><font face="Tahoma">An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous
day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my righthand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up
Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then
an
armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still
nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yeap. And no matter what we tried we still couldn't
get the jar open!"</font id="Tahoma"></font id="size3">
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed..........his wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. You know love she says I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is wrinkled, my biznoobies are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.
She turns to her husband and says..... Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice .........
well......there's nothing wrong with your eyesight
A Scotsman was walking around with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants fly.
When a passerby remarked about it, the Scotsman replied "Argggh I know, its driving me nuts"
A policeman passes a parking lot around midnight and notices a couple inside a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver's seat and a young lady sitting in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine.
The officer knocks on the driver's window and asks what's going on.
"Listening to music," the guy says.
Pointing towards the young lady in the backseat, the officer asks, " And what's she doing?"
"Reading a magazine, of course."
"How old are you?" Asks the officer.
"I'm 28."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well, in 11 minutes she'll be 18."
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