The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit".
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long." Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 50 years!” Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." "Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve." Joe was surprised. "How did you know?" "Been in the business 50 years." The shirt fit perfectly. As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes." Since Joe was on a roll, he said "Sure." The man eyed Joe’s feet and said, "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" "Been in the business 50 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not.” The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old".
The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Keep it up, guys-great ones! BTW, Mythbusters on the Discovery Channel did an experiment based on the bricklayer joke a couple of days ago. They did it with a crash test dummy and got it to work flawlessly. It was hilarious. Dummy goes up, hits barrel, up some more, hits pulley, barrel crashes on ground, busts, bricks tumble out, barrel goes up, dummy comes down, hits barrel on way up, hits ground, releases rope, barrel comes down and hits dummy.
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the old monk what’s wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply, “The word is celebrate.”
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story: We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night." Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
I have been so blessed in my life. Great parents, great wife and
kids, great job, and great education at Eas! t High School (Madison,
WI) and American River College (Sacramento! , CA).
When I finally retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying
my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing
boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked
fishing.
Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam
the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do.
We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care
about fishing; she not only refuses to join us she always complains
that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only
did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few
minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a
picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed
the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.
Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore!
And she wants me to sell the boat!
I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.
What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks, A fisherman
PS I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass we
caught.
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an
hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his
drink, and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver.
"I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I
can't do anything right I overslept and was late to an important meeting,
so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was
stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab
left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife
in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the
courage to put an end to my miserable life, and then you show up and drink
the damn poison."
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f---ing putt, didn't you?
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to
have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red
meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is
one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food
it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years
after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in
the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."
The Associated Press reports that New York junior senator Hillary
Clinton narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft that she was piloting
when
she was forced to make an emergency landing in southern Texas because of
bad weather.
National Transportation Safety Board officials have issued a
preliminary determination that pilot error contributed to the accident,
and
that the Senator was flying in IFR conditions, while only having
obtained a
VFR, single engine land rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient
fuel
on board. No one on the ground was injured. Pictures taken at the scene
show the extent of damage to Senator Clinton's aircraft.
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