The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes.” I’m sorry sir," said the ticket agent, "we can't allow animals in the theatre."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket, entered the theatre and sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered
Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "at our age we've seen 'em all."
"I thought so too," said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn."
Jacob, age 92 and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all
excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to
discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The Pharmacist answers "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety, the works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
For Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use your store for our Bridal Registry."
A women stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law exclaimed.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? but you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress" she explained "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
A BLONDE police officer pulls over a blonde in a BMW for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture.
She hands the compact to the blonde cop. The blonde cop looks at the compact for a few seconds, then rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing!"
To celebrate 50 years of marriage, a couple booked a weekend at St.
Andrews. On the third tee, the husband said, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you. They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee the wife said to her husband, "Darling, since We are being honest with each other; I have something to tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before we met."
The husband threw a fit! He cursed, threw his driver away, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted, "You liar, you despicable cheat! How could you? I trusted you and you've been playing off the ladies' tee all these years!"
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says,
"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door,storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed,slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she's always sound asleep!"
A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placedbefore him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores
than let liquor touch my lips."
The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux are bungee-jumping one day. Boudreaux says to Thibodeaux, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have it there."
Thibodeaux thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So Thibodeaux jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Boudreaux notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Boudreaux isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comesback up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Boudreaux misses him.
Thibodeaux falls again. And bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up, he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, Boudreaux finally catches him and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?
Barely able to speak, Thibodeaux gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine.
This guy walks into a bar and sees a hot chick at a nearby table. He says, "Hey bartender, send the lady a drink."
"Don't bother," the bartender replies, "she's a lesbian."
"Man, I don't care about that, just send her a drink."
So, he sends her a drink. The lady accepts the drink but doesn't even look at the guy. So he tries again.
"Hey buddy, send her another drink."
"Man, I told you, she's a lesbian."
"And I told you, I don't care about that! Now send her another drink!!"
So, another drink goes over. This time she smiles at the guy, but nothing else. Well, this fellow was persistant so after a few minutes he heads over to her table. He sits down and says:
An Older Lady is pulled over for speeding.
Old Lady: Is there a problem officer?
Officer: You were speeding Ma'am.
Old Lady: I see.
Officer: Can I see your License please?
Old Lady: I'd give it to you, but I dont have one.
Officer: Dont have one?
Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago. For Drunk Driving.
Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Old Lady: I cant do that.
Officer: Why Not?
Old Lady: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole It?
Old Lady: Yes. And I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You What?
Old Lady: his body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the Old Ladies car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, Clasping his half drawn revolver.
Senior Officer: Ma'am, Could you step out of the vehicle please?
The Old Lady complies.
Old Lady: Is there a problem, Sir?
Senior Officer: One of my officers told me you have stolen this vehicle and murdered the owner.
Old Lady: Murdered The Owner?
Senior Officer: Yes, Could you please open the trunk of the vehicle.
The Old Lady opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Senior Officer: Is this your car Ma'am?
Old Lady: Yes, Here are the registration papers.
The Officer is quite stunned.
Senior Officer: One of my Officers claims that you do not have a Drivers License.
The Old Lady Digs in her purse, and pulls out her license.
The Senior Officer examines the License and looks quite puzzled.
Senior Officer: Thank You Ma'am. One of my Officers told me you didnt have a license,That you stole this car, and you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Old Lady: Bet the liar told you I was speeding too.
80-year old Bessie bursts into the Rec Room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight! An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey...
"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.
Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event."
*****Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
*****Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.
*****Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to Taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just
like this nuclear-site I'm eating.
*****Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
****Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
******Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4inch hole in my stomach.
*****Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of
himself. Not sure if he'll make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
