Joke thread

[thatguy]

oh yea, well at least my car doesn't look like that^^^

[Gardiner]

Not for people with weak stomachs.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir

Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it

turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class

because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little

behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be

stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited

for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result

in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police

are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One

hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then

it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep

off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a

hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he

was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just

didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a

small medium, at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is

now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes in-verse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's

your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

[cmrz]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, ' Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather have A job. '

The social worker behind the counter says,

'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur And bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, he'll supply all of your Clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to Escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her Sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $90,000 a year.

The guy, wide-eyed, says , 'You're Bullshittin' me!'

The Social Worker says, 'Yeah, well... But, You started it.'

[thatguy]

How To Save the Government $5 Million

A president's pension currently is $191,300 per year, until he is 80 years old.

Assuming the next president lives to age 80. Sen. McCain would receive ZERO pension as he would reach 80 at the end of two terms as president.
Sen. Obama would be retired for 26 years after two terms and would receive $4,973,800 in pension.

Therefore it would certainly make economic sense to elect McCain in November.

How's that for non partisan thinking???

[cmrz]

thats awesome !

[SPice]

makes perfect sense to me

[thatguy]

GREAT ATTITUDE

A man, seeking to join the police department, is being interviewed.

The Inspector says: 'Your qualifications are good, but there is an aptitude test that you must pass before you can join.'

Sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: 'Take this pistol - go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six child molesters and a rabbit.'

'...Why the rabbit?'

'GREAT attitude,' says the Inspector, 'You passed! When can you start?'

[GZire]

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?





A: Nothing. She's already been told twice.

[thatguy]

Q: what do you do if your dishwasher quits working?





A: tell her to get back to work!

[SPice]

Originally Posted by GZire

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?





A: Nothing. She's already been told twice.

this is a classic

[poormansporsche]

I came across this old and recycled joke today...seemed rather timely, so I thought I'd throw it out there:

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he
realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ..

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,
before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......

'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'



PS. Don't forget to vote

[poormansporsche]

Here...found another:

Received this from a fellow business owner
Name erased to protect identity

Dear Fellow Business Owners...

As a business owner who employs 30 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barack Obama, will be our next President, and that my taxes and fees will go up in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, I figure, that the customer will have to see an increase in my charges to them of about 8%. I will also have to lay off 6 of my employees. This really bothered me, as I believe we are family here. I didn't know how to choose who will have to go. So this is what I did. I strolled through the parking lot and found 8 Obama bumper stickers on my employees cars. I have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off.

I can't think of another fair way to approach this problem. If you have a better idea, let me know. I am sending this letter to all business owners that I know.

Sincerely

XXXXXXX

[cmrz]

Good way to lay people off

[SPice]

interesting...

[Neftali II]

CMRZ harbors terrorists!!