I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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2004 G35 Coupe|5AT| Brilliant Silver|Graphite Leather|Premium|Perfomance|Aero| My \"G\"
Boudreaux done got old and his childen dun put him in the old folks home near Beau Bridge , Louisiana where he dun met a lovely lady dat were from Texas . Now Boudreaux being a fine upstanding Catholic, he didn't want to do nutin dat were aganst his religion, no. So he dun propose marriage. Now both Boudreaux and Mable were in their 80's.
Mable went and told everyone at the Senior Citizens home the good news. Irene, Mable's best friend told her that since she was very wealthy and the person she was about to wed was, well to say the least not worth much and she should insist on a Prenuptial Agreement.
Mable was sitting on the porch swing with Boudreaux and she told him she would marry him providing he would sign a prenuptial agreement.
Boudreaux dun told Mable "I'll sign agreement, you bet, 'cause I luv you so much."
Mable got out her pen and paper and started:
She said: I want to keep my house down in Texas with all the oil wells.
He said: That's fine with me. I'll keep my shak on the bayou.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac, BMW and Lexus.
He said: That's fine with me. I'll keep my pick 'em up truck.
She said: I want to keep my yacht that that is moored near my summer home in Padre Island , Texas .
He said: That's fine with me. I'll keep my pirogue on the bayou.
She said: I want to keep all my jewelry.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays.
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2004 G35 Coupe|5AT| Brilliant Silver|Graphite Leather|Premium|Perfomance|Aero| My \"G\"
A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon! All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."
Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents ?!!!!!!!!!"
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2004 G35 Coupe|5AT| Brilliant Silver|Graphite Leather|Premium|Perfomance|Aero| My \"G\"
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. "I'm going to have a beer.
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door of the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT... SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR...THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
And...they lived happily ever after.
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Now I'm just laid bad - G35Princess
R.I.P. MBC
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2 percent milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
The drunk says, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she says, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?'
The drunk replies, "Cause you're ugly."
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Now I'm just laid bad - G35Princess
R.I.P. MBC
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock 40 cal., and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and our family. What do you do?
——————–
Democrat’s Answer:
Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
——————–
Republican’s Answer:
BANG!
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Redneck’s Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! click….. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or the Hollow Points?”
Son: “Can I shoot the next one!”
Wife: You ain’t taking that to the Taxidermist!
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Now I'm just laid bad - G35Princess
R.I.P. MBC
4 distinquised ctizens were on a plane to pick up their nobel prize. There were 5 people on the plane.
1) The Pilot
2) The President of the USA
3) A boyscout
4) A Preacher
5) And the Smartest girl in the world
While flying, the pilot came in and said, "we're having some engine troubles, and we're going to have to jump, BUT, there are 5 of us and only 4 parachutes). And since I'm the pilot, I get to have one. So, he took a bag a jump off.
The president said, "well, since i'm the president, the worlds needs me", he grabbed a bag and jumped off.
The smartest girl in the world said, well, since i'm the smart one, the worlds need me, so she grabbed a bag and jumped off.
Then the preacher said, "boy, you can have the last parachute, since i'm a man of God, he will take me home".
The boy scout said, "no need sir, theres 2 parachutes left, the smartest girl in the world jumped off with my backpack".
