A man takes his son with him to a horse farm where he has an appointment to look at a horse he intends on buying.
The father looks at the horse's hoofs, his teeth, his mane and tail. He then proceeds to feel the horse's muscles in his chest, back, shoulders, front and rear.
The son asks the father, "Dad, why are you feeling the horse like that?"
The father stops feeling the horse and replies, "Well son before you buy the horse you want to check him out and make sure he's in good condition."
After hearing this the son lets out a whimper. The father thinks this is odd, but continues inspecting the horse..........a minute or two later the father asks the son, "Son, why does this bother you?"
The son replies, "Dad I think the mailman is going to buy Mommy!"
__________________
Now I'm just laid bad - G35Princess
R.I.P. MBC
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks .
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today.
__________________ Always outnumbered, never outgunned.
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis
off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little
girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked
their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at
such a young age, the father replied, "It....it was only a bug, Honey."
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment
said..
"Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
__________________ Always outnumbered, never outgunned.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A quart of orange juice
A half gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A head of Romaine lettuce
A 2 lb can of coffee
and 1 lb of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt but saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what?
You're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied,"' Cause you're ugly."
__________________ Always outnumbered, never outgunned.
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married...
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told My husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the Hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a. m., a Bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock In the hall started up and Cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted Solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when Totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed Three times, then said, "Oh shit", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's Throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then Tripped over the coffee table and farted."
__________________
2004 G35 Coupe|5AT| Brilliant Silver|Graphite Leather|Premium|Perfomance|Aero| My \"G\"
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the
Rabbi and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
drippings?"
"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles."
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious
Way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realisin g that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back
to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy
biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on,"What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete dick ."
__________________ Always outnumbered, never outgunned.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nursing Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good new and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged.
Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient I have concluded your act displays you have a sound mind.
The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he is dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"
__________________
2004 G35 Coupe|5AT| Brilliant Silver|Graphite Leather|Premium|Perfomance|Aero| My \"G\"
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
other
locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing
the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
__________________ Always outnumbered, never outgunned.
A cowboy from Texas gets pulled over by an Arizona State Trooper for
speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his
speeding, and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to
make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was
doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his
head.
The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if
that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies.."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches.
They're called circle flies because they're almost always found
circling around the back end of a horse."
The Trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a
moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"
"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law
enforcement officers to call ya a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing", the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to
fool them flies though."
__________________
2004 G35 Coupe|5AT| Brilliant Silver|Graphite Leather|Premium|Perfomance|Aero| My \"G\"
