Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what
he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the son of a bitch"
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2004 G35 Coupe|5AT| Brilliant Silver|Graphite Leather|Premium|Perfomance|Aero| My \"G\"
A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."
In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response, so the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, What's for dinner?"
Again, no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, What's for dinner?" Again, there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"
__________________
Vote out all republicans and democrats,
Vote Libertarian!
Location: ... i don't know!! 718, 808, 301 usually!!
Posts: 9,999
I started to think about it a few months ago. How much the stress of my job is getting to me. Well I have devised an ingenious plan to take a large part of this summer off. I’m going to go crazy. I haven’t decided on the specific disorder yet, but I know it will be stress induced. I’m already laying the groundwork.
I started last month. Whenever I go into a room I count the electric outlets. I don’t make a big production out of it, just enough to be noticed. If there is a lot of furniture against the walls I will ask someone if there are any outlets behind them. I do this every time I go into a room, even if I’ve only stepped out for a minute to go to the bathroom. (LOL Whenever I come back from the bathroom I comment on the fact that there are no outlets in there)
If I’m in a meeting and someone asks me something I’ll answer it, then during the next lull in the conversation I’ll give the same answer. When people look weird at me and say "You just said that" I look puzzled and say "Oh, sorry". I am also talking to myself a lot, not just muttering, but having real conversations.
This week’s aberration is wearing a hat lined with aluminum foil. I have only let one person "accidentally" see the lining (the office gossip). Of course she asked about it, and I told her it was for protection. I didn’t say from what. I went on to say that the best ones are pyramid shaped, but I didn’t want to be sitting here in a pyramid shaped hat because people would think I was crazy. I had to pretend to have a couching fit I was trying so hard not to laugh. When she asked if I was OK I told her I was allergic to the medication they were pumping in the air conditioning.
Today I’m going to go to stop at the library and pick up some information on stress induced disorders. I want to have something that will keep me off of work for quite a while, but not anything that will get me locked up I have to admit that I am having a BLAST. As a precaution I’ve told three friends about the plan, and am documenting the "behaviors" that I am having, and why I’m doing them, just in case someone DOES try to have me committed.
My confession? I’m crazy like a fox. Or maybe a wombat.
Lawyers should never ask a grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state, not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
__________________
2004 G35 Coupe|5AT| Brilliant Silver|Graphite Leather|Premium|Perfomance|Aero| My \"G\"
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers
came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman,
doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet,
so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some
guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin
aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee
and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I
was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
__________________
2004 G35 Coupe|5AT| Brilliant Silver|Graphite Leather|Premium|Perfomance|Aero| My \"G\"
So a penguin is driving around on a hot summer day when he starts have car trouble.. So he pulls off to a mechanic and asks him to check out what the problem. So the mechanic says, "Sure, just give me an hour to look it over."
The penguin agrees, and since it's such a hot day, decides to go get some ice cream. He gets his ice cream cone, and since he has no hands and a beak, the ice cream is all over his face. So, he goes back to the mechanic and says, "so?"
The mechanic says, "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin, "Um.. no, it's just a little ice cream."
__________________
2006 | G35 Coupe | 6MT | Liquid Platinum | Stock.. There is no need to improve perfection.
Marriage - Part I
>>
>>Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,
>>he laid down the following rules:
>>
>>"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't
>>expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
>>unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
>>fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and
>>don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any
>>comments?"
>>
>>His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
>>will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ......... whether you're
>>here or not."
>>
>>(SHE'S GOOD!)
>>
>> ************************************
>>Marriage (Part II)
>>
>>Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
>>anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
>>headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she
>>replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here
>>Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
>>
>> (HE ASKED FOR IT!)
>>
>>******************************
>>Marriage (Part III)
>>
>>Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
>>Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
>>and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and
>>decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after
>>many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to
>>answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing
>>what?" "Getting a second opinion!"
>>
>> (YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
>>
>>******************************************
>>Marriage (Part IV)
>>
>>A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
>>proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in
>>spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides
>>that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to
>>leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home
>>'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
>>shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
>>
>>(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
>>
>>**************************************
>>
>>Marriage (Part V)
>>
>>The Silent Treatment
>>
>>A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
>>other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
>>he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
>>business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and
>>LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He
>>left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke
>>up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
>>Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when
>>he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM.
>>Wake up."
>>
>>Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created
>>man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the
>>masterpiece.
__________________
Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns all clean ~ Maya Angelou
Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head. In sheer panic and fearing he really was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse, and told him to drink it all.
Jesse did and replied, "That tasted like shit!"
The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low."
__________________
03.5S sport, premium, tire marks in your lawn
A woman is doing some grocery shopping and when she approaches the checkout she sees a weird looking homeless guy leaning against the wall staring at her. As she places some random items on the conveyor belt, the homeless guy belts out, "I BET YOURE SINGLE!" ... she is startled but ignores him and continues placing her items on the belt. Curiosity gets to her and she wanders how the homeless man made this assumption that was in fact, true. She studied the items - Orange Juice, Aspirin, a few frozen dinners, milk, ... she decides to ignore the comment and checks out and collects her bags. Then as she walks by the old bastard she can't help herself and says, "Excuse me but how did you know by looking at these items that I am single?", the bum then looks up drunkingly and says ,,, "CAUSE YOURE UGLY"
A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced
That we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and
have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing, we can take a lung
out of One Person, put it in another, and have him looking
for work in four weeks."
A British doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced
that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another,
and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The Texas doctor not to be outdone, "You guys are way behind.
We took a man with no brains out of Texas; put him in the
White House and now half the country is looking for work.
__________________ Always outnumbered, never outgunned.
I have to admit that I am having a BLAST. As a precaution I’ve told three friends about the plan, and am documenting the "behaviors" that I am having, and why I’m doing them, just in case someone DOES try to have me committed.
Keep 'em coming fellas, this page is great 
