A beautiful young redhead desperately wants to meet Santa Claus, so she put on her robe and stayed up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the stockings.
He is about to leave when the girl says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Please help me keep the chill away."
Startled, Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl drops the robe to reveal sexy red bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, I see your smile; stay with me here for a little while..."
Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."
Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
Finally, she begins to remove the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Please... Stay...."
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!
2004 | 6MTs | Diamond Graphite/Graphite
Upstate NY
While I was flying down the road yesterday (i.e., 10 mph over the speed limit,) I passed under a bridge only to find a policeman with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait. He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love asked, "What's your hurry?” To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah" said the policeman, what do you do?" I'm a rectum stretcher, I responded. The policeman stammered, "A what"? A rectum stretcher, and just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
Well, I said, I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide".
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
To which I politely replied!
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."
Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
The look on his face: PRICELESS
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Joe Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a fewdifferences between us:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presentsfrom Bubba Joe Claus because he has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads, "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson".
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Joe Claus prefers that children
leave an RC Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba Joe Claus doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so pleasehave anempty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba Joe Claus'
fireplace.
4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when
Bubba Joe Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty.
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" You also are likely to hearBubba Joe Claus' elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh does
have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off".
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and Smokey and theBandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Joe Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Joe Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
yourwife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presentsunder the tree.
Thibodeaux had 50 yard line tickets for the Sugar Bowl.
As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "Mais, no", says Thibodeaux, "Dat seat be empty, yeah." "That's incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Sugar Bowl, the biggest sporting event of the year for LSU, the SEC champions, the first time since 1987 they make it to the Sugar Bowl, and then not use it?" Thibodeaux says, "Dat seat belong wit me, yeah. I wuz comin' wit my wife, but she done pass on. Dis de first LSU football game we didn't came wit each udder since we bin married in 1960." "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else---a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat? Thibodeaux shakes his head sadly.
An old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here. " The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton"
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton. I've told you already that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "Sir, see you tomorrow."
Hehe!
Hopefully I'll be telling a minor variation of that joke in a year []
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
Ha ha ha ha!
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job".
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent." We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!" The social worker says,
"Yeah, well, you started it."
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop
said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a
reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the d!ck goes underneath the horse."
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Kroger grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
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