three lesbian vampires walk into a bar, first two order a glass of hot blood. the third one orders a glass of hot water. the two look at the water-ordering vampire and say what the hell? she holds up a bloody tampon and says "I'm making tea"
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition for each is listed below ....
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject
__________________
Now I'm just laid bad - G35Princess
R.I.P. MBC
A japanese man goes to the currency exchange in New York one day and has 500 yen. He recieves $20 and goes about his way. The next day he brings another 500 yen, but this time he recieves $17. He asks the teller why to which he responds "Fluctuations". The man nodds and heads out the door. Just before he departs he turns around and says "Fluck you americans too".
I am in a line at the grocery store when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.
I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door
Hope this story made you smile.
__________________
2004 G35 Coupe|5AT| Brilliant Silver|Graphite Leather|Premium|Perfomance|Aero| My \"G\"
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed as it was making a moaning sound, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. The elephant lifted it's foot and set it down, up and down, several time. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo. As he approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe was standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, bashing Mbembe's head against the steel railings, killing him.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
__________________
Now I'm just laid bad - G35Princess
R.I.P. MBC
Three black ladies were preparing for their first plane flight.
The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties on dis flight."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dere laying butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna find me first."
The second lady says, "Well, I'm gonna wear me some fluorescent orange panties."
Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.
The second lady answered: "Cause if dat plane goes down and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first."
The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties at all."
"What, no panties?!" the others said in disbelief.
"Dat's right," says the third lady. "I'm not wearing any panties, cause if dat plane goes down, the first thing they always looks for is dat black box."
__________________
2004 G35 Coupe|5AT| Brilliant Silver|Graphite Leather|Premium|Perfomance|Aero| My \"G\"
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16
work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
magazine and some NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition.
Back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this
morning and messed him up real bad.
I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all
the blood.
Anyways, I locked all forty of 'em in the house.
Best to wait outside!
__________________
2004 G35 Coupe|5AT| Brilliant Silver|Graphite Leather|Premium|Perfomance|Aero| My \"G\"
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!
__________________
Now I'm just laid bad - G35Princess
R.I.P. MBC
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".
The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!
The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!
WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"
A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart. As he got to
the register he realized he had forgotten to get
condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could
have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied
that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold
of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large
condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and
like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he
got up to the register, he told the checker that he
too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she
could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't
know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She
gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and
said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought
what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had
any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he
thought this was his chance. When he got to the
register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She
reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze,
then picked up the intercom and
said.........................
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." -- Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." -- Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -- Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -- Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." -- Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." -- Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" -- Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." -- Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." -- Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" -- Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." -- Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." -- Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." -- Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" -- Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." -- Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself." -- Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." -- A. Whitney Brown
1 "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" -- Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. -- Unknown, presumed deceased
20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer." - W. C. Fields
__________________
04 Coupe | DG/G | Prem | Perf
"Facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep walking"
The husband had just finished reading a new book: 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN Of YOUR HOUSE.'
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The freaking funeral director would be my guess."
__________________
Now I'm just laid bad - G35Princess
R.I.P. MBC
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." -- Conan O'Brien
