Thats a good one rlipps! I've actualy heard one alot like that, but it had sometihng to do with flies that like poop. I can't remember how it goes.[dunno]
| G35 Coupe | 5at | Obsidian Black | Graphite | Premium | Performance | Pictures |
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Three dogs - a Doberman, a Boxer and a Labrador - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office, when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So, why are you here?"
The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Doberman says, "So, what is the vet going to do?"
"Lethal injection," comes the reply from the sad Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?"
The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, and I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I crossed the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So, what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquires.
"Lethal injection," the dejected Lab replies.
The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
"I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I couldn't help myself. I hopped onto her back and started humping away."
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and ask, "So, lethal injection for you, too, huh?"
The Doberman says, "No, no - I'm here to get my nails clipped."
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
2004 | 6MTs | Diamond Graphite/Graphite
Upstate NY
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions:
"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother.
"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"
"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?" The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the
bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it..
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?",
he asks. "Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!", says the barkeep.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
The 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt
better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do
you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then
said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a
season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went,'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of a busy
course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker.
"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee
please!!"
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still
deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMAN'S tee kindly back up
to the men's tee".
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more,
the man yelled:
"WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S
TEE, PLEASE!!!"
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the club house window directly at the person with the microphone, cupped my hands and shouted back, "WOULD THE A$$HOLE IN THE CLUB HOUSE KINDLY SHUT UP AND LET MEPLAY MYSECOND SHOT!!!!!
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie," the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies.” Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. "No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in arrow, too expensive and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row.” Where are you from? See asked!
The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.
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