Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump (of course) didn't respond.
The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire."
The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that. You really don't want to make him mad!" "Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It nearly killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien. "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him."
Nun and monk go golfing. Nun tees off, beautiful swing, straight down the fairway. Monk tees off, misses the first swing and swears, "Dammit!" nun says, "Sir, you a man of God and shouldn't swear." monk replies, "You're right" and apologizes. Monk swings again but slices badly and land in the trees. Monk asks, "What the hell?" nun threatens; "you're a monk and if you do that again you'll be punished." monk flushes and apologizes for his slip. Monk finds his ball and swings again only to end up over shooting the green and going out of bounds. Monk can't believe it, throws his club and yells, "sh!t, I missed!!" dark clouds form over the golf course and the nun says, "See, I told you you'd be punished." bolt of lightning flashes down from the clouds and blasts the nun. There’s nothing left of her but ashes. The clouds part and a light shines down and a voice is over heard saying, "sh!t, I missed!"
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2004 G35 Coupe|5AT| Brilliant Silver|Graphite Leather|Premium|Perfomance|Aero| My \"G\"
It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." And singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil. A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the conductor.
"I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"
"In the beginning this was a big problem. One inmate wanted to call themselves the Big Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Sons of Siam, but I said it was too long and, anyway, no one was from Siam. Then, another thought The Pencil Leads was a good name but the others disagreed because they had no one to write to."
"Well," the visitor asked, "what name did they finally agree on?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor."They all agreed to call themselves ......
"The Moron Tapanapple Choir"
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2004 G35 Coupe|5AT| Brilliant Silver|Graphite Leather|Premium|Perfomance|Aero| My \"G\"
A man finds that he is unable to perform, after several years of married life. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this. "He throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it will rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
"All you or your partner has to say is '1234,' and it will go down.
But be warned: "It will not rise again for another year."
The guy goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. After he gets into bed and is laying next to her, he says, "123," and suddenly he gets an erection, just as the witch doctor said.
His wife, who was facing the other way, turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"
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2004 G35 Coupe|5AT| Brilliant Silver|Graphite Leather|Premium|Perfomance|Aero| My \"G\"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
" Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they
bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?"
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to
play
with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to
Sunday School.
So, they went to the nearest church.
Only the janitor was there.
One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play
with
us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked
their
heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then he said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion
do
you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on
you.
! We're not Babtis because they dunk all of you in it.
We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
"Yeah! What do you think that means?"
"I think it means that we're Pisscopalians."
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2004 G35 Coupe|5AT| Brilliant Silver|Graphite Leather|Premium|Perfomance|Aero| My \"G\"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and
Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said,"Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story about the car going into the woods, the undressing, Aunt Jane laying down on the back seat. Then Aunt Jane
and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.
A farmer is sitting on his porch one morning when he sees a man pass by dragging a mess of chicken wire. Not able to contain his curiosity, the farmer asks “What do you intend on doing with the chicken wire?”
The man replies “I am going to use this wire to catch chickens.”
The farmer hasn’t heard something that foolish in a while so he tells the man “You will never catch any chickens with that messed up pile of chicken wire.”
Well the man leaves without saying another word. Later that afternoon the man returns dragging the chicken wire and lo and behold the wire is full of chickens. The man passes the farmer with nary a word, dust and chicken feathers flying all around him.
The next day the farmer is sitting on his porch when he sees the same man pass by dragging a tangled roll of duck tape. Again the farmer is not able to contain his curiosity and asks the man “What are you going to do with that ball of tape?”
The man replies “I am going to use this duck tape to catch ducks.”
The farmer has never heard something so stupid so he tells the man “You will never catch any ducks with that messed up roll of duck tape.”
Again the man leaves without saying another word. Later that afternoon the man returns dragging the roll of duck tape with a flock of ducks stuck to it. The man passes the farmer, dust and duck feathers flying all around him.
The third day finds the farmer sitting on his porch when he sees the same man coming up the road dragging something that looks like a stick. The farmer has no idea what the man would be using that thing for so he asks the man “What are have you got there?”
The man replies “I have a pussy willow.”
The farmer tells the man “Hold up, I’m going to grab my hat.”
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Now I'm just laid bad - G35Princess
R.I.P. MBC
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if..............
1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember........is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember......is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
11. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps, and you don't even notice.
13. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbuck's wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney, really IS George Clooney.
14. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
15. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
16. You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
17. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
18. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class.
19. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
20. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work and hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
21. HEY!!!!!! Is pot illegal?????
22. Both you AND your dog have a therapist....and lastly...
23. The Terminator is your Governor
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2004 G35 Coupe|5AT| Brilliant Silver|Graphite Leather|Premium|Perfomance|Aero| My \"G\"
