Maxim huh?[] That was a really funny one. I liked this one.
A man and woman are sitting next to eachother at a bar. After a few drinks, the man turns to the woman and asks why she looks so down.
"My husdband just left me," she says. "He thinks I'm too kinky in bed.
"What a coincidence! My wife just left me,"the man replies."She said I was too kinky for her!"
Ten minutes later, back at her place, the woman says,"Let me slip into something more comfortable,"and she goes into the bathroom to change into a leather dominatrix outfit. But when she returns, the man is waking out the door.
"Where are you going?"she asks."Didn't you want to have kinky sex?" "Well,"he says."I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse, I'm done!"
| G35 Coupe | 5at | Obsidian Black | Graphite | Premium | Performance | Pictures |
Two women were walking through the forest when they heard a voice from under a log. Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog: "Help me, ladies! I am an investment banker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!" The first woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag.
The second woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into an investment banker?" The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than an investment banker!"
After a few years of married life, Kenny finds that he is unable to
perform.
He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing
works.
Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind," and refers
him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, The psychiatrist confesses, "I am at a
loss as to how you could possibly be cured." and he refers him to a
witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder in a
flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says
"This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to
do is say '123' and little King Kenny shall rise for as long as you wish!"
Kenny then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and little King Kenny
will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
Kenny goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. So
he's lying in bed with her and says "123" and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says, "What did you say "123" for?"
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year". The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from this him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at har and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."
The husband's condition has been reduced from critical to stable and he should make a full recovery....
A man walks into a bar and asked a fellow sitting on the bar stool. Excuse me sir, does Pussy tastes like pumpkin pie?" the man turned around with a frown and said, " Don't play with me boy, I ain't never had no pumpkin pie".[]
A woman was walking on the beach and she stumpled over a bottle. Out pops a genie. The woman was very excited, she said "Oh goodie, I get 3 wishes right?" No maan said the genie, things are really bad today you can only get one. The woman thought for a minute and said okay, pulling out a world map, I would like for you to make world peace between all these coutries in europe and asia. The genie replied, looking at the map, "lady these countries have been fighting for centuries, there is no way I can fix this. The woman then said, okay, can you let my husband pay more attention to me during football season, help me with the kids, go to church with me, treat me like a lady and tell me he loves me more often. The genie made a huge sigh and said lady, " give me that F**king map again"
In order to assure the highest levels of work and productivity from our employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you need.
Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T seriously will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do not have to do anymore S.H.I.T , as they are all full of S.H.I.T already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who have completed B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.H.I.T)
If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T)
Thank you,
Boss in General - Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G S.H.I.T)
2004 | 6MTs | Diamond Graphite/Graphite
Upstate NY
A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After
everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells
her closest friend that there is no money left.
The friend says, how can that be? You told me he had $20,000
a few days before he died. How could you be broke? The widow says, well, the funeral cost me $6,500 and of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone.
The friend says, $12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how
big was it?
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants
and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a COIN and one team got it and then for the
rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
"Get the quarter back! Get the quarterback!!"
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o'the brandy."
Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, " I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack, she responded, it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped, "It helps her constipation, you know." So Jack sold her the brandy.
Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering.
Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! and you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it is, me lad, so it is...When she sees me, she's gonna crap herself!"
A man had the week off for the first time since he can remember. He had been working hard so he decided to really relax and go fishing.
He takes the old beat up car and tosses his fishing gear in the car and takes off wearing his worst clothes. He has a great day and catches a whopper of a fish and tosses it in the floorboard of the car because he didn't bring a cooler.
Well, he races home hoping to get there before the fish spoils.
When he crosses the last bridge before he gets to his house he sees a cop car parked on the other side. The cop is holding a radar gun.
Knowing he is caught, and comes to a stop a few feet down the road.
The cop comes to the window and writes the man a ticket. He can tell the man is in a hurry so he takes his time. When he leans in to hand him the ticket he notices a terrible odor coming from inside the car.
He says to the man, "I have seen your type before. Look at you. You should be at work at a time like this. Why don't you get a job and buy yourself some new clothes and take a bath for goodness sakes".
The man says, "I already have a job officer".
"Really? What does someone like you do?"
"I'm an asshole stretcher"
"An asshole stretcher?" Says the cop, "No wonder you stink so bad. How do you do it?"
"Well" Says the man, "I start slow with one finger. Then two and so on. Finally I get so I can get my hand in and then both hands. I then pull and stretch until the asshole is as big as six feet sometimes."
The cop, looking confused, scratches his head and says, "What in the world would someone do with a six foot asshole?"
The man smiles and says. "Put him on the end of a bridge with a radar gun."
<font size="1">Sorry Gard, it's all in good fun!</font id="size1">
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] That was a really funny one. I liked this one.
]
