1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)
4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse.")
5. Have someone open the door to the outside. (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)
6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
7. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!
Take a look at the two birds below. Study them closely and
watch their habits......... See if you can spot which of the two is
the female. It can be done. Even by one with no skills whatsoever
in bird watching.
A 13 year old boy came home all happy.
His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?"
"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.
When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"
The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.
He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted."
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied,
"Nah dad my bum is still sore."
A visitor climbed up to see the Hunchback of Notre Dame go about his job. He stood and waited for the hour to approach and then stood amazed as the bell-ringer set about his work. The hunchback stepped back and then rammed his face against the bell three times to signify three o'clock. Not being able to understand the speech of the ringer he toured the rest of the tower and came back an hour later, at four pm.
It seemed beyond belief that again the hunchback pulled back his head and rammed his face against the bell three times. With one ring to go, the bell ringer rammed his face forward but mis-calculated and the force of the bell's swing carried him straight over the top of the tower. He fell all of the way down to the steps of the church.
The visitor left the tower and walked down to the steps. When he finally got there, he saw that a large crowd had gathered around the hunchbacks body.
'Doe's anyone recognise him?', someone asked.
'I don't know his name,' said the visitor, 'but his face rings a bell'.
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me?
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, now it's my fault."
Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have some Cajuns up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates. My horn is missing. Barbecue sauce is all over their robes. Ham hock, spareribs, and crawfish shells are all over the streets of gold.. Some folks are walking around with one wing.
They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. They have eaten almost every animal up here! Some of them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair."
The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel, Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil and see how he is dealing with them."
The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Dang, hold on." The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello, God, what can I do for you?"
God replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there with the Cajuns you have there."
The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and puts the Lord on hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the question?"
God asked again, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this..... Hold on, God." This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry, God, I can't talk right now. These coonasses have done put the fire out, and are holding a benefit Crawfish and Shrimp boil to install air conditioning!"
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A HUGE heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The
heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral........I'm a gynecologist."
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker and, because
of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish
each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is
done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous
too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the
last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people
left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make'em all ugly again".
SO . . .
THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE . . . CONSIDER YOURSELF BLESSED!
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you as*hole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
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