A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The other blond yells back, "You ARE on the other side."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(are you ready? . this is a beauty ...)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
They're mating," her father replied. "
What do you call the spider on top, she asked.
That's a Daddy Long legs." Her father answered.
So, the other one is Mommy Long legs?" the little girl asked.
No, her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Long legs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and Stomped
them flat and said "Well, it might be ok in California or New York but
we're not having any of that stuff in Texas."
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at his time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. Her husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at his time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. Her husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
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Amen!
I can relate to this one, been married 34 years in July[boink]
Bushisms - This guy should take his act to Vegas. Too funny.
"More Muslims have died at the hands of killers than—I say more Muslims—a lot of Muslims have died—I don't know the exact count—at Istanbul. Look at these different places around the world where there's been tremendous death and destruction because killers kill."—Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2004
"My views are one that speaks to freedom."—Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2004
"The recession started upon my arrival. It could have been—some say February, some say March, some speculate maybe earlier it started—but nevertheless, it happened as we showed up here. The attacks on our country affected our economy. Corporate scandals affected the confidence of people and therefore affected the economy. My decision on Iraq, this kind of march to war, affected the economy."—Meet the Press, Feb. 8, 2004
"[T]he illiteracy level of our children are appalling."—Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004
"And if you're interested in the quality of education and you're paying attention to what you hear at Laclede, why don't you volunteer? Why don't you mentor a child how to read?"—St. Louis, Mo., Jan. 5, 2004
"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the—the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice."—Washington, D.C., Oct. 27, 2003
"[W]hether they be Christian, Jew, or Muslim, or Hindu, people have heard the universal call to love a neighbor just like they'd like to be called themselves."—Washington, Oct. 8, 2003
"I'm the master of low expectations."—Aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003
"There's only one person who hugs the mothers and the widows, the wives and the kids upon the death of their loved one. Others hug but having committed the troops, I've got an additional responsibility to hug and that's me and I know what it's like."—Washington, D.C., Dec. 11, 2002
We need an energy bill that encourages consumption."—Trenton, N.J., Sept. 23, 2002
"There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can't get fooled again."—Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand
new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped, looking about 80 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’ nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers:
V
V
V
"Unhook...my...suspenders...from...your...side -view......mirror"
"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods."
Austin, Texas, Dec. 20, 2000
"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program."
St. Charles, Mo., Nov. 2, 2000
"The fundamental question is, 'Will I be a successful president when it comes to foreign policy?' I will be, but until I'm the president, it's going to be hard for me to verify that I think I'll be more effective."
-In Wayne, Mich., as quoted in the New York Times, June 28, 2000
"I think we agree, the past is over."
-On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
-Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
-Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000
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