haven't been on here in a while, but when i read this i thought of you guys.
Quote:
DONT FUCKING ACT LIKE WE ARE THE ONES RESPONSIBLE FOR BAD SEX!
If you want foreplay, youd damn well better give some back. Oh, so youre gonna bitch about how youre not
getting enough? Then we can just forget it entirely and go jerk off.
Fact 98% of men masturbate, the other 2% are compulsive liars. Only
48% of women masturbate. Well, if youre in that 52% percent, looks
like you arent going to get shit and Im going to take a nice long
shower and still come back just as dirty as I was when I went in.
Oh, you want some fucking post-nut-snuggling? Then fucking earn it.
Dont act like we should lie there and wait in bed while you go to the
bathroom and clean up. Fuck that, Ill be outside smoking if you need
me.
You want us to go down on you? Then give us some response. Dont lie
there like nothings going on and then complain about it to your
girlfriends the next day. Guys need instruction, and more often then
not, they like to be told what to do. Dont act like we dont do
anything when youre going down on us. Theres only one way to fuck a
blowjob up. And if you arent biting my cock, then youre doing it
right. And use some fucking hands! Christ, it doesnt feel as good if
youre only going to suck on the top 3 inches and not gonna do anything
about the rest. NEWS FLASH: THERES MORE COCK THERE! DONT LET IT GO TO
WASTE!!!
And if I take your hand and put it on it for you, thats a hint
godammit. Dont take it as a sign that Im trying to tell you how to do
your job. Because when you scream for me to spank you harder, I
fucking spank you harder, I dont get all pissy and say "Hey! Whos the
one givin you the cock? Me or you?". If you dont like it, expect to
hear the shower running for the next 20 minutes or so.
If I put my hand on the back of your head while youre huffing my dong,
it doesnt mean that I want you to go deeper. The last thing I want is
someone to vomit all over my cock, so Im not going to force that on
you. Its just something guys do. Girls like to complain, guys like to
put their hand on your head while youre going down. It also prevents
us from clapping, snapping our fingers if we get bored, and making the
"touchdown" signal.
If you want to just have a makeout session, thats fine by me. Just
dont get offended when the shower starts running.
You wanna bitch about swallowing? Go fuck yourself. When we go
downtown, you dont hear us spitting on a towel every 5 seconds, and we
damn well dont complain about it.
The reason we dont like to try any of your new shit in bed, is because
your new ideas fucking suck. Unless they involve another girl or your
twin sister, look for me in the shower.
You say you wanna try a threesome? Hoo-fucking-ray. You bust out this
idea of picking up some guy, thats fine. I can be cool with that. He
can cum in your pussy for all I care. Just take note of the fact that
Im breakin out the footlong rubber fist and it looks like the front
door is occupied so Im gonna have to go around back.
Oh, but you wont let me stick anything in your ass without letting you
put something in mine? Fuck that, not gonna happen. The boys are the
pitchers, not the girls. Oh, so now youre gonna be whiny about how I
can do it to you but you cant do it to me? Thats fine, you can whine
through the bathroom door and hope I can hear with the water running.
You wanna tie me up? Okay, Im leavin one hand free and my best friend
gets to wait in the closet with a bat. When you hear the word
"popcorn", start fuckin running. I saw Basic Instinct, I know what the
fuck is up. You want me to tie you up? Kickass! Just keep in mind that
this may be my one chance to cum all over your face. And Im damn well
not going to pass that up.
Another thing, guys dont like wearing condoms. Oh, and you think you
can make a lame comeback about how we shouldnt say that theyre tight,
and you can put both hands in one? Well, have you ever put both hands
in one? Its fucking tight isnt it? And my penis isnt filled with bone,
so its got no support. And you cant fucking feel anything while we are
in there. If I gotta wear one, there better be a damn good finish in
the form of your mouth on my wang. Oh, but my pecker will taste like a
condom, well you should have fucking thought about that before you
made me wear one.
If you have sex with us. We ARE going to tell our friends about it
within the next 24 hours, and Im going to throw in all the nasty
details, epecially the part about you like to call me "daddy" and want
office supplies stuck inside your snatch. Feel free to tell your
friends about what we did. Just remember, youre the one that likes the
feel of a cold stapler.
If the TV is on while we are goin at it, dont be suprised if you catch
me watching. Especially if you wont let me put my hand on your head.
Guys have this rule of thumb: keep the remote within arms length at
all times. Besides, its time for the Simpsons.
And dont fucking complain if my socks are on while we are gettin it
on. Its a bit hard to take them off while trying to suck on your tits.
And besides, if we break eye contact, you take it as a sign that Im
picturing someone else in bed.
As for the picturing someone else in bed, we probably are. Most likely
its your sister, or your cute friend. But sometimes its some girl we
saw at the mall who passed by. Sex after the first time with a girl is
usually the same thing over and over again, which is usually why you
complain that we dont "keep you in suspense" or some lame Oprah-excuse
like that because we fucking used our entire repitoire on you the
first night. We wanna make a good first impression. So we picture
other girls to keep us entertained. Better than finding out youve been
cheated on. Remember, unless they involve your twin sister, your ideas
suck.
Another tip. I have balls too. And they feel just as good when you
lick on them as when you lick my shaft. Remember what I said about the
hand? Yeah, theres balls down there too. They may get cold, so do me a
favor and put them in your mouth.
You know, sometimes we dont feel like having sex, but we still wanna
blowjob. And yall will sometimes give us said blowjob. Wanna know why
we ask for a blowjob when we arent in the mood? Because we dont wanna
fuckin hear you bitch about us not bein in the mood. The fact that we
are about to jizz in your mouth is just an added bonus because we
didnt have to put up with taking time out of our day to get your
clothes off you in a seductive manner.
Wanna know who invented skirts? Yeah, thats right, a fucking guy.
Wanna know why? Its one less article of clothing we have to get
through to get our cocks wet. We like short skirts because its even
less work.
Bras? Yeah, us too. Face it, guys dont like droopy boobs. We dont like
taking bras off because we are afraid of those motherfuckers dropping
like bricks and deadlegging us. Gotta have a free hand to intercept.
If you know how to put a condom on with your teeth, and youre our
girlfriend and not casual sex or a fling, dont fucking show us. It
looks like it takes alot of practice and I dont find it appealing to
know my tongue has been where 37 other guys cocks have been before me.
And dont fucking tell us what so and so or your ex boyfriend would do
in bed for you before. We have no interest in it, and as far as we are
concerned, we are your firsts.
__________________
i am nobody, and nobodys perfect, therefore i\'m perfect!!!
i\'m not conceited, i\'m just convinced.
Too lazy to read that right now. Can someone give the Cliff Notes version please?
post whores are required to read Everything_
its pretty funny jus skim_
__________________
got no smile and lack a lavish lifestyle but its cool cuz I came up hungry, jus a lil Latino tryin to make it and when I make it.. I promise the world wont lightly take it.
well i did for a while. that is i wasn't even spending time on the internet unless it involved school. i was at class and then whatever parties i could find/staying up all night studying for the test i have the next day.
btw, how lazy do you have to be to not read, even for a good laugh! i was crying when i first read this.
__________________
i am nobody, and nobodys perfect, therefore i\'m perfect!!!
i\'m not conceited, i\'m just convinced.
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