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Over 5,000 Posts
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Yo Mama's house
Posts: 5,170
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Chuck is so cool
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on
his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU
RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't
fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony
of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked
15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds
of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat
that, Lance Armstrong.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse
every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their
floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from
"Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of
Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected
with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of
course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the
fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged
to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him
exact change.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put
razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his"
way.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he
can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back
five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw
it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry
sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a
roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris doesnt see dead people. He makes people
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