Thanks kloh, you are 100% right. I guess I am just apprehensive about the whole situation because I don't want to go through a long drawn out court battle just to be able to see my daughter. Hopefully my ex and I will be able to work things out without it having to resort to this. Going by our last conversation, I am not too hopeful of this but maybe things have changed since I last spoke to her.
Hexx, I will keep it somewhat short. You need to suck it up and start over with her. This has nothing to do with her or you, but for the sake of your daughter. She will be the most important person for you throughout the remainder of your life. You need to try and build somewhat of a relationship with the mother, ex-wife, so that things will go smoothly in the future. You don't want your daughter to have to suffer with the two of you fighting all the time. Apologize, beg, and plead for a fresh start with her, otherwise, you won't be able to fully enjoy this miracle of life that you have been blessed with. Good luck and we're here if you need support.
Thanks J! You are all right and your responses are all very much appreciated. I guess I just needed to hear it from people that I consider my friends. I've been meaning to call her to see what happens but I just can't seem to hit that send button. I still don't know how things got so fucked up. Believe it or not her and I were very happy at one point. Things just seemed to go down hill very fast and it was over before I knew what happened. I guess only time will tell what is gonna happen here in the next month or so.
It sounds like you are expecting this to be a horrible situation... do you guys have a mutual friend that you might be able to use as a mediator? Because if things are (or were) as bad as you make it out to be, even the best intentions can get ugly when either side (or both) aren't being understanding to the other.
While you have received some great advice, I am a bit less sanguine about the probability of success going thru your ex. She is inexperienced and in an emotionally overwhelming time in her life. She can not possibly be counted on to make adult wisdom decisions, let alone all the decisions you want her to. By maintaining such a selfish and unreasonable position, she is already handling the situation in a rather irresponsible, immature manner that ultimately benefits no one. But LC is right... restart communications immediately! This IS the easy part so get on wid it! The next 18-21 years of your life as a parent is the bigger test. I hope you can/do talk to her in a civil manner and reason things thru. And I really, really hope you are present for the birth of your first child... there simply is nothing else on Earth to compare to that experience IMHO. NOTHING!! :P
beanie-I honestly don't know what to expect. She was like my best friend and I thought I knew her very well. I guess I was very wrong. She threw me for such a loop when she ended it. I never saw it coming. I've never had anything but the best intentions for her and our baby and . . . . well for us. I pretty much dedicated everything to her which I had never, ever done with anyone else. We do have a mutual friend who I actually keep in touch with on a regular basis. Unfortunately, he really doesn't keep in touch with her anymore either because he doesn't like the way that she is handling things. Until she changes her ways, he doesn't want anything to do with her either.
dholly-I'm with you. I don't anticipate having much success at this point. I have always spoken to her in a civil manner and attempted to do so even after the split up. As hurt as I was I still tried to keep things amicable for our daughter's sake to no avail. Hopefully with the 3+ months that have pasted since we last spoke, she has had a chance to change her mindset to where she will be able to speak to me in a civil manner. I will be devastated if I can't be there to see my daughter born.
just remember time heals. it doesn't heal completely, but it helps. whatever her negativity was toward you before, i do not know... but i'm sure it has diminished somewhat, hopefully enough for you two to get along as parents.
i'm sure even for you after all of this time, you feel less anger toward your ex the last time that both of you spoke. she probably feels the same way. she may even miss you... i mean you never know. but hopefully tiime has healed enough to allow you two to at least get a long.
go in with good spirits and GOOD LUCK!
and as far as my ex goes... i just realized i think i'm ready to start talking to her. i've learned a lot in the time we have not talked and i think it was good for the both of us. but it is getting harder and harder for me to 'ignore' her.
well, good luck man. when are you gonna make the move? i know it's tough after all that time.
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I would also suggest calling her, just to check on her and your daughter. Ask her how she is holding up and if everything seems normal. Then ask her to lunch or dinner, so that the two of you can talk about the future...
I do know what I have to do and what I want to do. Unfortunately we don't always get what we want. I just have to do what is right and hope that it all works out. This is definitely gonna make the holiday season an interesting one for me.
Sorry to come on board so late, but I was a little bit busy and this required most of my attention. All of the previous comments are on target. There is nothing more for me to add.
What I can share is my perspective on growing up with a mom who may have flipped out on my dad (my dad's side of the story) vs. the mom who said that my dad didn't want any kids and didn't want to be involved to begin with (my mom's side of the story).
30 years later, I realize that they both love me very much BUT they were young and stupid too. They never failed me and they tried to do the best they could for me while growing up, despite their differences and despite me being transferred from household to household every other weekend.
If you want to be a father, then do it! If you don't want to, then stay out of it completely! But if you're in, there is no turning back and your ex will flip out again and again. Remember this: 1st - you must do what's best for you and your kid SIMULTANEOUSLY. My dad worked endlessly and I never saw him much, however, he put me through college and I didn't have a single student loan. 2nd - don't make your kid feel guilty for her mom's sins (or yours for that matter). What's done is done, but don't have her carry the emotional burden while you guys fight it out. Your ex may dish out some poison to the kid, but the kid will love you no matter what . . . if you are there. Always be there when you say you are going to be there.
Good luck Man. This part is the easy part, and plenty of people have been in your shoes before and plenty more will follow. It's okay, we're all human. You will make mistakes, just like your parents did and just like my parents did. No sweat, just be there and let her know that she can always come to you and things will be okay.
She was like my best friend and I thought I knew her very well. I guess I was very wrong. She threw me for such a loop when she ended it. I never saw it coming.
I know how you feel. It's tough when there is a child involved as no matter what happens you will always be linked to the other person. Somehow, regardless of how difficult the interaction may be, you both must learn to coexist. You don't have to be friends with the other person, just coexist.
If the relationship is as volatile as you say, it's even more important to be a substantial part of your daughters life. Sometimes children are unconsiously/consiously used as pawns by a zealous ex spouse for a myriad of selfish reasons. It would be a shame for a young girl to be raised with a negatively distorted view of her father.
That being said, it sure doesn't make it any easier to make that initial phone call. Maybe this can be the first official Baby of 6mt? Good luck and we're all ears on the future happenings.
hexx, i am sorry i wasnt here for you earlier man, i'll keep it short.
as a fellow hispanic, i know how pride will get in the way of doing the right thing; but in cases such as this, you have to realize having a child could be a once in a lifetime thing. even though the terms with your girlfriend ended badly, it shouldnt affect what happens with your daughter. you should approach the "relationship" that you will have with your ex as a business one. not because you have to financially deal with the issues at hand, but because you cannot let your/her actions get in the way of the stability of the child. whether it be financially, emotional, or mentally, do it for your daughter.
Thanks homies! It's not too late smoke. It hasn't even begun yet. I'm going to be dealing with this for a very long time! Nah, I haven't called her yet J. I guess I will try this weekend. I'm kinda looking forward to it and then again . . . . I'm not. I just wish I had a feel for how she is gonna be.
Believe it or not her and I were very happy at one point. Things just seemed to go down hill very fast and it was over before I knew what happened. I guess only time will tell what is gonna happen here in the next month or so.
