this sounds somewhat similiar to my break up. she felt that i wanted "too much" it was a long distance relationship. but i would get upset if something interfered with us seeing each other. (ie. her going to her sisters "potential college" the weekend of my bday) i didn't say "oo i wish you wouldnt go... but you could tell in my tone that it upset me. eventually little things like that wore her down.
i was jealous of guys but not that she would cheat but more in a way that well... i hate guys. HAHA i think 70% of guys are major dorks and i hate their overconfidence (especially around other girls) yes - this is my own problems. an example- we did have a previous breakup (4 days long, before she came crying back) and she made a new guty friend during those days. i know for a fact that it was only friends... but he called her during winter break to "see how her break was going" odd to me b/c i had normally known everything about her life (we communicated very well) but this friendship was not known ... so i took this call the wrong way.. she admitted it was wierd timing. but anyway.. my point - i met this kid. and was later "jealous" if you can say that, when she hung out with him. not b/c i thought somehting was going on but because he was SUCH A FUCKING NERD. i thought why would my "wonderful stephanie" goto lucnh everyday with this toolbag??
yes, a huge HUGE character flaw on my part - that i have been working on.
so yeah, i went on a tangnt... my point tho... my actions drug her down. but she ASSUMED i knew... I DID NOT. we still argue about this. again liek i have said - i regret not having the chance or not knowing enough to fix these problems. she is too shy to have sat down and really discussed this with me. instead she waited until her breaking point - and it was too little too late.
you must love him, or you would not be engaged. give him and more importantly YOURSELF a chance to fix the problems. sit down with him and tell him IN DETAIL how you feel. if he oves you and cares about you i'm sure he will understand his shortcomings and work to fix them.
i HONESTLY did not understand mine until months after the break up.
good luck
__________________
08 G37 6MT | PlatGraph | Nav | 15% | TEIN H Tech
04 Cpe 6MT | DG | Nav | 20% | TEIN S Tech | Volk GT7
Someone who doesn't let you do anything without them knowing every move you make. Jealous to the point that you can't talk to any men at all when they are around. Nothing physical. I love him but I had alot of male friends and he knew this before and it only recently started to bother him.
Do you guys think this could mean he is cheating and trying to push blame at me?
I think he might be cheating on you.
So he'll do anything to prevent the same thing happening to him.
This is what I gather after reading the first two sentences of your post.
It's obvious that he's insecure as fuck. If you love him and want to make the relationship work, you have to tell him to ease up on the strangle hold.
Here's an analogy, you're at the beach, sittin in the sand. You scoop up sand in both of your hands. One hand cups the sand just leaving it lay flat in your palm and the other hand squeezes all the sand out of your hand. Ask him if you were that sand, what hand would you be in.
You follow what I'm saying to you?
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Whoa! Whoa! Pump the brakes kid...
you must love him, or you would not be engaged. give him and more importantly YOURSELF a chance to fix the problems. sit down with him and tell him IN DETAIL how you feel. if he oves you and cares about you i'm sure he will understand his shortcomings and work to fix them.
i HONESTLY did not understand mine until months after the break up.
good luck
Thanks for the input. I have told him about how much this bothers me because I don't want it to be too late. I do love him and I do want to try to work things out. I am thinking that maybe we should take a break from being engaged and see if we can improve our relationship. We have not set a date yet so we aren't delaying anything. I am just so confused. I don't want to throw away what used to be good but he just thinks everyone is after me. I do have more male friends than females but men are just so much less catty. He is going to have to face the fact that I am going to have male friends but I don't cheat. I am really afraid that things will change for awhile but not forever.
Forever is such a long time. I want it change or I will have to leave.
Someone who doesn't let you do anything without them knowing every move you make. Jealous to the point that you can't talk to any men at all when they are around. Nothing physical. I love him but I had alot of male friends and he knew this before and it only recently started to bother him.
Do you guys think this could mean he is cheating and trying to push blame at me?
I think he might be cheating on you.
So he'll do anything to prevent the same thing happening to him.
This is what I gather after reading the first two sentences of your post.
It's obvious that he's insecure as fuck. If you love him and want to make the relationship work, you have to tell him to ease up on the strangle hold.
Here's an analogy, you're at the beach, sittin in the sand. You scoop up sand in both of your hands. One hand cups the sand just leaving it lay flat in your palm and the other hand squeezes all the sand out of your hand. Ask him if you were that sand, what hand would you be in.
You follow what I'm saying to you?
Yeah I see your point and I do think that at some times that he may be cheating this has crossed my mind many times but I didn't say anything to him about it. It's so hard to know though. He always says he loves me and he wants to be with me, he just flips when we go to the clubs and to the beach, and I get looked at he is the kind of guy that flips out saying to the other guy what are you f'ing looking at? It really is embarassing we have been thrown out of clubs and told not to come back because of his rages.
Thanks for the analogy dizz I will ask him that tonight.
Love Busters are habits that destroy romantic love. They can develop soon into relationships or after marriage and, before long, destroy intimacy, safety, trust... and romantic love. Some common but dangerous Love Busters:
When these bad habits are unchecked, consideration and thoughtfulness turn into self-centeredness and thoughtlessness. Romantic love is the victim and with it goes all hope for a fulfilling marriage. Don't let that scare you! Marriage (or a life commitment) can last a lifetime if couples apply two simple rules to their relationships:
1) Meet each other's most important emotional needs
2) Avoid hurting each other and being the cause of each other's unhappiness.
To do this right, couples must first:
- Make a commitment to overcome conflicts
- Identify habits that cause unhappiness
- Learn to overcome those habits
- Identify the most important emotional needs and
- Learn to meet those needs
Couples must do more than want to meet each other's needs... they must actually meet them! Successful marriages require skill... skill in caring for the one you promised to cherish throughout life. Good intentions are not enough. Marriage is, after and above all, an unselfish act of GIVING.
If you need some guidance identifying each other's important emotional needs, try the Emotional Needs Questionnaire found HERE. There is a ton of other info you may find helpful at http://www.marriagebuilders.com as well.
but be careful with a "break" or putting things on hold. that can be scary and make him defensive. it pissed me off when she said it to me and i went into panic mode. she had done it before. and i said "i'm not doing this again. if you are breaking from me - then it's for good. im not playing games" oo boy i regret that. if i had handled it maturly we may be together right now. i didn't really listen to what she was saying. i looked at it as the end of the world... again, my fault.
i don't know that a break would be necessary at this point. if the wedding day was set for this fall - THEN YES you would. but its not set. i don't see the need. i still say you have a serious conversation. maybe hint at it. tell him you love him very much but he is hurting you. if things continue on this track you will have no option but to seperate. that alone will be enough for him to handle - let alone a break-up.
but i'm telling you... give him SPECIFICS of what is bothering you. don't be general... then he may not understand and the problems may continue or get worse.
__________________
08 G37 6MT | PlatGraph | Nav | 15% | TEIN H Tech
04 Cpe 6MT | DG | Nav | 20% | TEIN S Tech | Volk GT7
oo wow... he has actually made scenes in public...
not good.
Yeah he has made scenes in public. ALright I am going home and try to talk to him and see what he has to say for himself. Have a great night everyone and thanks for the input!
oo wow... he has actually made scenes in public...
not good.
Yeah he has made scenes in public. ALright I am going home and try to talk to him and see what he has to say for himself. Have a great night everyone and thanks for the input!
o wow - right now?
GOOD LUCK!!!
__________________
08 G37 6MT | PlatGraph | Nav | 15% | TEIN H Tech
04 Cpe 6MT | DG | Nav | 20% | TEIN S Tech | Volk GT7
oo wow... he has actually made scenes in public...
not good.
Yeah he has made scenes in public. ALright I am going home and try to talk to him and see what he has to say for himself. Have a great night everyone and thanks for the input!
o wow - right now?
GOOD LUCK!!!
Yeah it's time. I am afraid one fo these times he'll hurt someone and end up in jail or something dumb like that or run into someone bigger than him.
one of my uncles is a minister, and i talked to him about a relationship i was in. i was telling him how much i really liked this girl, but some of the annoying habbits she has are giving me second thoughts.
here's his response "think of the most annoying thing she does, and then realize that it will only get worse with time. if you can live with that, it's the right person for you."
typically people don't change, and love cannot be a one way street. one of my neighbors had a boyfriend that beat her pretty regularly. when i asked her why she didn't just kick him out she said "i love him". don't let fear be confused with love.
...give him SPECIFICS of what is bothering you. don't be general... then he may not understand and the problems may continue or get worse.
Exactly. If your verbal lines of communication aren't quite working at the moment, why not print out (2) of the Emotional Needs Questionnaires I mentioned above and each fill one out tonight. If he/you can't take the hour's effort to do this, I'm afraid he/you will not have the effort to make a long-term committment successful.
Here's a 'shortened' version that can be used as a conversation starter.
__________________________________________________ ___________
Ranking Your Emotional Needs
Ten basic emotional needs are listed below. You can also add other emotional needs that you feel are essential to your marital happiness, but are not included in the list.
In the space provided in front of each need, write a number from 1 to 5 that ranks the needβs most importance to your happiness. Write a β1β before the most important need, a β2β before the next most important, and so on until you have ranked all five.
To help you rank these needs, imagine that you will only have one need met in your marriage. Which would make you the happiest, knowing that all the others would go unmet? That need should be β1.β If only two needs would be met, what would your second selection be? Which five needs, when met, would make you the happiest.
_____Affection
_____Sexual Fulfillment
_____Conversation
_____Recreational Companionship
_____Honesty and Openness
_____An Attractive Spouse
_____Financial Support
_____Domestic Support
_____Family Commitment
_____Admiration
__________________________________________________ ___________
Seem kind silly or frivolous, a waste of time even? Perhaps, but you both NEED and DESERVE this information to make an intelligent decision that you must live with for the rest of your life. And it sounds like it is up to YOU to get the ball rolling. It might be worth the effort.
Yeah I see your point and I do think that at some times that he may be cheating this has crossed my mind many times but I didn't say anything to him about it. It's so hard to know though. He always says he loves me and he wants to be with me, he just flips when we go to the clubs and to the beach, and I get looked at he is the kind of guy that flips out saying to the other guy what are you f'ing looking at? It really is embarassing we have been thrown out of clubs and told not to come back because of his rages.
Unfortunately when most women think that their guy may be cheating they are usually correct.
I also hadn't realized that he has so much anger management issues.
I'm sorry to say it, but I think you're better off without him.
(Kurt - says if you say he owns a Z, I am going to really get freaked out)
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Now I'm just laid bad - G35Princess
R.I.P. MBC
